Christ, I dunno. Maybe. I mean, I was comin' off seein' Arthur die, seein' my friend Dick gettin' burned alive, and... I dunno. Think I needed the distraction, but that's not usually the way I go 'bout these things.
[ He takes in a shuttering breath and runs a hand down his face, clearly irritated with himself. ]
Think that coffee's ready yet?
[ Please, god, anything to take the spotlight off his poor decision making skills and crippling self doubt. ]
Black's fine. And you're prob'ly right, but I think what's makin' me so antsy is that I wasn't sorry. Not like I am now. I came back, cried my eyes out on my friend's shoulder, thought I made amends, and then it all came right back to punch me in the face days later.
[ He huffs. ]
I'm not blind to the fact that casual sex isn't as easy a thing for some people, not to mention cheating, but I'm naive enough to believe when someone says things're okay when they're not. What sense does that make?
[ It would take far too long for Blake to explain the lengths of the particular relationship he'd meddled in and it's definitely not his place, but suffice to say, there's a lot more there to navigate the just the regular relationship dynamics. ]
Honestly, I'm not entirely sure he wasn't thinkin' similar to what I was. Neither of us seemed to think it'd make the mess it did.
[ People are tough. That's for sure. Eames gets up without a word and fetches the bottle and two glasses, pouring them both a drink. It's up to Blake if he wants it or not. ]
Relationships tend to get messy. But if they weren't married and there's some leeway there, they'll work it out. If it hadn't been you, it would have been someone else, I imagine.
[ That doesn't make it any less difficult for Blake, though. ]
I suppose you learn as you go what flies and with who. And then you make adjustments depending on who you care about and who you don't. Isn't that how it works? People make mistakes, that's... [ Maybe he should listen to himself, once in a while too. ] The human condition, isn't it?
No offense, Eames, but I'm not sure that's the greatest advice. We should care about everyone on some level.
[ But hey, that's just the repressed vigilante talking. It's probably not nearly as accurate or as suitable for everyone as Blake might like. ]
Don't wanna get into the other guy's business, but he was pretty straightforward with me. And I get the distinct impression he didn't really think those kinda boundaries needed set in the relationship he was in. But I knew. Just didn't care.
[ Blake takes up the drink and tips it back, wincing. Nope, that was a mistake and he struggles a second, almost looking like it's ready to come back up. ]
Whatever. The mind's a weird thing. We'll just leave it at that, eh?
That's it though, [ Eames says as he pushes to sit up in his chair, elbow resting on his knee as he looks at Blake. ] You say we should care about everyone and you keep pointing out just how sorry you are, how guilty you feel... [ Has he really said that? Probably not, but Eames is reading it on him nonetheless. ]
You're actually a pretty decent bloke, aren't you?
[ Eames tilts his head with a quirk of his brow, then reaches over to fill their glasses again. Up to Blake if he wishes to down it. Eames will knock his own back right away. ]
What I'm getting at is that it doesn't seem like you to do something like that and not give a fuck.
[ Why he knows? Because he would have been that guy who doesn't care, and he wouldn't have cared a little later, either. ]
[ That's probably the most sense anyone has made in supporting Blake's own internal argument, although he's still reticent to let himself off the hook. Still, what Eames says does make him think and he finally he nods. ]
Yeah, I try pretty hard to be a good guy. Feels awful when I'm not, but... I get kinda mad sometimes. This place—
[ He huffs and cradles the drink, although doesn't make any moves to down more of it. Does he need to say anything more than that? ]
Anyway, thanks. For listenin' and whatever. You've got enough goin' on, it's kind of you to take the time and effort. You're pretty decent yourself.
[ Eames leans back on his chair, one knee on top of the other, his mouth twisting into a humourless smirk. ]
This place has a way of turning your head upside down and gives you the impression that it was your intention all along.
[ He sways his foot a little, as if tapping it to a silent tune. ]
No, not really. Listen, the reason why I'm quite sure about is because I could have been that guy, not caring. And it wouldn't have changed it if there had been two weeks or two days to think about it. You seem genuinely upset, that says something.
[ Blake lets that marinate a minute, surprised at how much sense it makes when everything else doesn't seem to want to. But he wants to believe he's outside that kind of influence, even if he knows he's not.
He smiles a little, then, looking a bit coquettish for the first time in a while. ]
On the bright side, wouldn't necessarily go back and undo it all. It was a good time at the time.
And you don't wanna be the one accused of that, lemme tell you.
[ Which is to say, Blake agrees with Eames on probably more things than he probably should. As far as he's concerned — and maybe they share this thought, too — it's no good if not everyone involved comes out satisfied. ]
I can go without. Had for a long time when I was workin' on my career. Just don't like to. It's a stress reliever, y'know? Easier'n goin' to the gym. But I guess I oughta not be so cavalier considerin'.
Sex is just sex. Rutting against one another to get off, [ Eames gives an easy shrug and a grin that says plenty about agreeing with Blake on the matter. ] That's what I believe anyway.
Then there's making love and that's different. I don't know how I'd feel if I were in love about sex with other people. [ For some reason he thinks of Arthur and it makes him look away, empty his glass and pour another. It's the closest he's ever been to caring about someone romantically. And he fucked that up too, so... ]
I suppose if sex was really good and there would be plenty of it. [ He chuckles because he knows he sounds like an asshole, sorry about that. ] But even then... [ His smile is positively Cheshire as he murmurs: ] What would you do about threesomes, or foursomes, or well, gosh, orgies?
[ His reticence to answer is almost as telling as an answer itself, and Blake can't help but wonder why it's difficult until the question's put back to him. Nine times out of ten he doesn't allow himself to think about it, sometimes going so far as to purposefully set his mind in a different direction. ]
Used to think not. Now I wonder if I just didn't know what to expect — if maybe I don't love everyone. Maybe even a bit too much...
[ Romance? Nah. But he sure as hell feels that ache in his chest on some level when he thinks about those who mean (and have) meant to most to him. ]
Everyone? [ Eames makes a face at that. ] Even the people who do nothing but annoy you?
[ He rolls his eyes a little, because isn't that just awfully nice of you, Blake?
That doesn't sit well with him, though, because he doesn't think they're talking about the same thing here. ]
There's love and then there's love, I suppose. I can't say I've loved a lot of people but there are a handful that I care about. Friends.
Romantically, that's another thing. I've... I've felt something like that, once. [ It's a topic he doesn't want to get into, especially with someone so very close to Arthur. ]
You don't mean that you are romantically interested in everyone, do you? That would be too much, I'm sure. [ Eames can't even fathom the idea of all that longing and yearning and aching to happen more than once in a fucking lifetime. The mere idea is exhausting. ]
Nono, you're right. It's not— romance. Pretty sure I don't have a romantic bone in my body, although Bruce tells me otherwise. Like, there's adoration, attraction, infatuation — it kinda all reads under the same umbrella of "I really, really care."
[ He scrubs at his cheek, entirely uncertain if he's making any kind of headway on communicating what he means. It's not a topic he gets to address often and usually when he does, it make him uncomfortable. There's none of that here, at least (although who's to say why). ]
Tell me 'bout your 'romantic love,' Eames. What's that like?
[ Eames listens and he's not really sure he understands. Which is not surprising at all given that he's not a natural caretaker like Blake. People and their blights and their joys don't really touch him all that much. No, he doesn't go out of his way to be an asshole, but he also doesn't feel the need to go out of his way to be a sweetheart.
The question has him struggling for words a bit. And he licks his lips, leaning forward on his chair as he considers how to put together an explanation. ]
You know how you can have fun with someone. Fuck, be merry, have a good time, [ pleasant crowfeet around his eyes for a second or two. ] Even care about that person. But then you go your separate ways and maybe meet later and it's all good.
[ He bites his bottom lip and stares down at the bottom of his cup as he thinks about it. ] But then there's that someone you wake next to, and you ache for them. [ He wrinkles his nose in mild distaste and decides to pour himself a glass, again. ] Like just looking at them makes you feel something bottomless, like the world doesn't have good enough things to offer to this person.
[ He knocks back the drink, his voice a little hoarse as he continues: ] And then you don't see them for a while and all hell breaks loose because all you can think of is this person.
It's a bloody nightmare.
[ He gives a small chuckle and then grins somewhat humourlessly at Blake. ]
The worst thing about it is that it just doesn't end.
So... I honestly don't get how some people go through this several times in their lives. Just once is exhausting enough.
[ Blake can't help but smile, a warm little grin that is as soft as the rest of him turns. He likes seeing this side of Eames even if it's obvious that Eames is more practiced (or at least more willing) at plumbing this part of himself. Feelings are hard. ]
Sounds like you've got it bad.
[ He takes up the coffee, hiding his smirk for just a moment behind the cup. ]
[ There's a dirty look in Eames' eyes when they focus on Blake, narrowing and maybe a little drunk but still capable of detecting a pothole on the road. He doesn't want to fall in it. ]
Wouldn't you like to know, [ he says and drains his glass again. Blake might know by the end of this if Eames is drinking like a sponge. ]
[ Blake might know already if he's any true judge of character. But then again, he's been through a lot with Arthur and despite how the other man tends to act like he's the epitome of stoicism and lack of emotions, there are plenty of markers that indicate otherwise. Usually where Eames is involved.
More than that, though, from what Blake knows of Eames, he suspects the guy wouldn't stick around if he weren't at least a bit invested in a person. This feels a bit more pointed than co-workers sticking together. ]
Can't keep everything to ourselves all the time, can we, Eames? If we could, I wouldn't be here.
[ Eames could lie, he could confuse the situation. He could invent a person and make a convincing lie about that person. He's good at that.
But he doesn't. And that says something, doesn't it? Maybe he doesn't want that lie to carry to Arthur, which he assumes it might.
So, he doesn't. All he does is roll his eyes and shrug. ]
There's one thing I'm going to keep to myself. [ As much as he likes Blake, Blake's had a lot more history with Arthur and he's not comfortable actually talking about it with him. Not when he's not comfortable talking about it with Arthur and he doesn't know if Blake will keep it to himself. If he ever decides to let Arthur know these little secrets of his, they're going to come from him, not through a proxy. As satisfying as it would be to actually get that off his chest.
Yes, yes, he knows that it can be cathartic, talking about shit. ]
Besides, looking at your little shit-eating-grin there, love, you have your presumptions anyway.
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[ He takes in a shuttering breath and runs a hand down his face, clearly irritated with himself. ]
Think that coffee's ready yet?
[ Please, god, anything to take the spotlight off his poor decision making skills and crippling self doubt. ]
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You take milk or sugar? [ he calls out. Then continues: ]
You know, I don't know if it matter if it was you or this place. People do shitty things all the time.
I guess what matters is that you're sorry?
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[ He huffs. ]
I'm not blind to the fact that casual sex isn't as easy a thing for some people, not to mention cheating, but I'm naive enough to believe when someone says things're okay when they're not. What sense does that make?
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Generally people in a relationship aren't really okay with casual sex, [ he says as he takes a seat in one of the mismatched chairs and leans back. ]
But it takes two to tango. Your friend's man should've said something if it's not okay, I imagine.
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Honestly, I'm not entirely sure he wasn't thinkin' similar to what I was. Neither of us seemed to think it'd make the mess it did.
[ He makes a face. ]
Honestly, it's makin' me re-think that drink...
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Relationships tend to get messy. But if they weren't married and there's some leeway there, they'll work it out. If it hadn't been you, it would have been someone else, I imagine.
[ That doesn't make it any less difficult for Blake, though. ]
I suppose you learn as you go what flies and with who. And then you make adjustments depending on who you care about and who you don't. Isn't that how it works? People make mistakes, that's... [ Maybe he should listen to himself, once in a while too. ] The human condition, isn't it?
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[ But hey, that's just the repressed vigilante talking. It's probably not nearly as accurate or as suitable for everyone as Blake might like. ]
Don't wanna get into the other guy's business, but he was pretty straightforward with me. And I get the distinct impression he didn't really think those kinda boundaries needed set in the relationship he was in. But I knew. Just didn't care.
[ Blake takes up the drink and tips it back, wincing. Nope, that was a mistake and he struggles a second, almost looking like it's ready to come back up. ]
Whatever. The mind's a weird thing. We'll just leave it at that, eh?
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You're actually a pretty decent bloke, aren't you?
[ Eames tilts his head with a quirk of his brow, then reaches over to fill their glasses again. Up to Blake if he wishes to down it. Eames will knock his own back right away. ]
What I'm getting at is that it doesn't seem like you to do something like that and not give a fuck.
[ Why he knows? Because he would have been that guy who doesn't care, and he wouldn't have cared a little later, either. ]
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Yeah, I try pretty hard to be a good guy. Feels awful when I'm not, but... I get kinda mad sometimes. This place—
[ He huffs and cradles the drink, although doesn't make any moves to down more of it. Does he need to say anything more than that? ]
Anyway, thanks. For listenin' and whatever. You've got enough goin' on, it's kind of you to take the time and effort. You're pretty decent yourself.
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This place has a way of turning your head upside down and gives you the impression that it was your intention all along.
[ He sways his foot a little, as if tapping it to a silent tune. ]
No, not really. Listen, the reason why I'm quite sure about is because I could have been that guy, not caring. And it wouldn't have changed it if there had been two weeks or two days to think about it. You seem genuinely upset, that says something.
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He smiles a little, then, looking a bit coquettish for the first time in a while. ]
On the bright side, wouldn't necessarily go back and undo it all. It was a good time at the time.
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He shakes his head and takes a small sip of his scotch. ]
Sex usually is, and if it's not, someone did you wrong...
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[ Which is to say, Blake agrees with Eames on probably more things than he probably should. As far as he's concerned — and maybe they share this thought, too — it's no good if not everyone involved comes out satisfied. ]
I can go without. Had for a long time when I was workin' on my career. Just don't like to. It's a stress reliever, y'know? Easier'n goin' to the gym. But I guess I oughta not be so cavalier considerin'.
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Then there's making love and that's different. I don't know how I'd feel if I were in love about sex with other people. [ For some reason he thinks of Arthur and it makes him look away, empty his glass and pour another. It's the closest he's ever been to caring about someone romantically. And he fucked that up too, so... ]
I suppose if sex was really good and there would be plenty of it. [ He chuckles because he knows he sounds like an asshole, sorry about that. ] But even then... [ His smile is positively Cheshire as he murmurs: ] What would you do about threesomes, or foursomes, or well, gosh, orgies?
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[ Not that Blake should be gossiping. Or that he understands how they've even made it to this particular conversation topic, to be perfectly honest.
He runs a hand down his face and then looks at Eames. ]
Have you been in love before, Eames?
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People will find a way to amaze him. Of course there would be orgies happening in an endless dream.
The next question makes him quiet, though, and look at Blake tentatively. The answer is not a simple one. ]
Don't ask me that, [ he says and finishes his glass in one go. ] Have you?
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Used to think not. Now I wonder if I just didn't know what to expect — if maybe I don't love everyone. Maybe even a bit too much...
[ Romance? Nah. But he sure as hell feels that ache in his chest on some level when he thinks about those who mean (and have) meant to most to him. ]
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[ He rolls his eyes a little, because isn't that just awfully nice of you, Blake?
That doesn't sit well with him, though, because he doesn't think they're talking about the same thing here. ]
There's love and then there's love, I suppose. I can't say I've loved a lot of people but there are a handful that I care about. Friends.
Romantically, that's another thing. I've... I've felt something like that, once. [ It's a topic he doesn't want to get into, especially with someone so very close to Arthur. ]
You don't mean that you are romantically interested in everyone, do you? That would be too much, I'm sure. [ Eames can't even fathom the idea of all that longing and yearning and aching to happen more than once in a fucking lifetime. The mere idea is exhausting. ]
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Nono, you're right. It's not— romance. Pretty sure I don't have a romantic bone in my body, although Bruce tells me otherwise. Like, there's adoration, attraction, infatuation — it kinda all reads under the same umbrella of "I really, really care."
[ He scrubs at his cheek, entirely uncertain if he's making any kind of headway on communicating what he means. It's not a topic he gets to address often and usually when he does, it make him uncomfortable. There's none of that here, at least (although who's to say why). ]
Tell me 'bout your 'romantic love,' Eames. What's that like?
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The question has him struggling for words a bit. And he licks his lips, leaning forward on his chair as he considers how to put together an explanation. ]
You know how you can have fun with someone. Fuck, be merry, have a good time, [ pleasant crowfeet around his eyes for a second or two. ] Even care about that person. But then you go your separate ways and maybe meet later and it's all good.
[ He bites his bottom lip and stares down at the bottom of his cup as he thinks about it. ] But then there's that someone you wake next to, and you ache for them. [ He wrinkles his nose in mild distaste and decides to pour himself a glass, again. ] Like just looking at them makes you feel something bottomless, like the world doesn't have good enough things to offer to this person.
[ He knocks back the drink, his voice a little hoarse as he continues: ] And then you don't see them for a while and all hell breaks loose because all you can think of is this person.
It's a bloody nightmare.
[ He gives a small chuckle and then grins somewhat humourlessly at Blake. ]
The worst thing about it is that it just doesn't end.
So... I honestly don't get how some people go through this several times in their lives. Just once is exhausting enough.
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Sounds like you've got it bad.
[ He takes up the coffee, hiding his smirk for just a moment behind the cup. ]
Anyone I know?
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Wouldn't you like to know, [ he says and drains his glass again. Blake might know by the end of this if Eames is drinking like a sponge. ]
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More than that, though, from what Blake knows of Eames, he suspects the guy wouldn't stick around if he weren't at least a bit invested in a person. This feels a bit more pointed than co-workers sticking together. ]
Can't keep everything to ourselves all the time, can we, Eames? If we could, I wouldn't be here.
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But he doesn't. And that says something, doesn't it? Maybe he doesn't want that lie to carry to Arthur, which he assumes it might.
So, he doesn't. All he does is roll his eyes and shrug. ]
There's one thing I'm going to keep to myself. [ As much as he likes Blake, Blake's had a lot more history with Arthur and he's not comfortable actually talking about it with him. Not when he's not comfortable talking about it with Arthur and he doesn't know if Blake will keep it to himself. If he ever decides to let Arthur know these little secrets of his, they're going to come from him, not through a proxy. As satisfying as it would be to actually get that off his chest.
Yes, yes, he knows that it can be cathartic, talking about shit. ]
Besides, looking at your little shit-eating-grin there, love, you have your presumptions anyway.
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[ Call him an occasionally sassy little shit if you want, but it's really a credit to how much he trusts Eames that he lets it out at all. ]
We all need someone, don't we? It's too tough here to do it all alone.
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